I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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