Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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