You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
