I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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