I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
