ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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you will always have a special place in my vag
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
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I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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