Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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