Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
