you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
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My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
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If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.