im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
