This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
