The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
