he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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