Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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