I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
