You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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