Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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