plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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