Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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