oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
