When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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