In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
