you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool