Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!