just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.