we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
