Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
