my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
