Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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