I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
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For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
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If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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