please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
