Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
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Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
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He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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