So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
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Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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