So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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