I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
