Clothes are such an inconvenience.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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