The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
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I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Pooping to opera.
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