did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Randomize
