Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Are my feet made of real feet?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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