my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
