Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
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