I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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