Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We need a shit load of segways right now
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
