when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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