If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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