god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
