Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
