I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
