are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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