All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
