the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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