just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
