if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
