why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
