I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
