my computer doesn't work...
i puked on it last night
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.