I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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