plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I think my moral compass just broke
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
